Caregiver Burnout · Child Caregiver · Caregiver Guilt
Some people will read this and feel guilty for relating to it.
Nobody tells caregivers that two emotions can live in the same body.
Love and resentment.
I loved my mother.
I would pray over her when she cried in pain during dialysis. I would remember prayers from church and ask God to please make the pain stop.
But there were also moments I hated what caregiving was doing to my life.
That is the part people are scared to admit.
I Was 11.
My father left.
Two weeks later my mother started dialysis.
Three times a week.
Two buses there.
Two buses back.
Before the city was fully awake, we were already waiting on the HART bus. I still remember my heart beating fast before we even got on.
Like my body already knew the day was going to be heavy.
Looking back now, I understand I was dealing with caregiver burnout before I even knew what the word meant. I was still a child caregiver trying to survive exhaustion, guilt, fear, and responsibility all at the same time.
People Called It Strength.
They said I was the man of the house.
But I was the baby of the house.
I was a child trying to understand medicine, pain, buses, bills, family disappearing, and why nobody came when they said they would.
At school, I pretended I was okay.
I was just waiting for the day to end so I could get back to my mother.
That is what caregiving does.
It splits you in half.
The Thoughts Nobody Wants To Hear.
Caregivers think things they are ashamed of.
I wish someone else would do this.
I want my life back.
I cannot do this anymore.
What about me?
Then the guilt hits.
Because you love them.
Because they are suffering too.
Because nobody wants to admit that caregiving can make you angry at the same people you are trying to protect.
A Good Day Was Simple.
No crying.
No panic.
No bad phone call.
No one begging for the pain to stop.
Just peace for one night.
That was my version of rest.
You can love somebody deeply and still be overwhelmed by what survival cost you.
I do not write this for sympathy.
I write it because some caregivers are carrying thoughts they think make them terrible people.
It does not always mean you do not love them.
Sometimes it means you are tired.
Sometimes it means you became useful before you became okay.
Sometimes it means carrying everything alone changed you.
This is not therapy.
This is lived experience.
For the ones who carried it.
Continue Reading
- Nobody Checked on the Strong Child
- Why Strong Kids Become Exhausted Adults
- What Happens to Adultified Children in Adulthood
- Why Trauma Survivors Become Hyper Independent
- The Ones Who Carried Collection
Raw. Real. Unapologetic.